Effective Co-Parenting Techniques For A Harmonious Post-Divorce Family

Table Of Contents

Here's what we'll cover:

Do you want to make family life after a divorce easier?

Divorce is difficult. But what happens after it is even more difficult… particularly if there are children involved.

The good news is that with the right co-parenting techniques, you can create a stable and happy home environment for your children. Because remember – divorce doesn’t have to mean the end of your family… it just means a different kind of family.

Here’s the issue:

Co-parenting effectively isn’t easy for most divorced parents. In fact, less than half coparent effectively, and that’s a problem because children are suffering as a result. Studies have found that 42% of children of divorce experience significantly more hardships than their peers.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

Working with compassionate divorce attorneys during the separation and divorce process can give you the framework you need to succeed. They can guide you to start with healthy co-parenting from the beginning, paving the way for a less stressful family life after divorce for everyone.

In this post, I’ll share with you the co-parenting techniques that actually work.

Here’s what we’ll cover:

Why Co-Parenting is More Important Than You Think
Communication: The Cornerstone of Co-Parenting
Consistency Across Two Homes
Putting Your Kids First (Always)
When to Seek Professional Help

Why Co-Parenting Is More Important Than You Think

Here’s a truth that few people understand…

The divorce itself is not what is most harmful to kids. It is, instead, the parental conflict that takes a real toll.

When kids are growing up with parents who have decided to separate, they feel like they’re in the crossfire. They experience more anxiety, stress and overall emotional turmoil. In addition, they often feel guilty that they aren’t able to keep their parents together.

But here’s the thing…

Healthy co-parenting can actually make it possible for your children to thrive. In fact, studies show that kids in shared parenting households actually have better outcomes than children in sole custody situations – including better grades, mental health, and relationships with both parents.

**Meaning that co-parenting isn’t just important – it’s critical. **

By putting the pieces together with your ex, you can give your children the greatest possible gift of stability. You’re not just helping them get through the divorce, you’re showing them that the love of their parents will always remain intact.

Communication: The Cornerstone of Co-Parenting

If there’s one co-parenting technique to get right, it’s communication.

I know… I know. If it were that easy, you probably wouldn’t be divorced.

Hang on to your hats for just a minute here.

Communication in co-parenting is not the same as the communication that was taking place during your marriage. The purpose is different. You’re not trying to get back together. You’re not trying to find a solution to your relationship problems. You’re working with your ex-spouse as business partners, with the common goal of raising healthy, happy children.

And this is how you do it:

Keep the conversations child focused. It’s really as simple as that. Don’t talk about personal stuff or events of the past. Keep it to discussions about children’s schedules, school events, doctors’ appointments and other relevant matters.

Use neutral language. Steer clear of sarcasm, and more importantly, passive-aggressive comments. Just state your facts, and then move on.

Utilize divorce apps such as OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents. These apps are designed to help keep all communication documented, and provide tools to organize co-parenting conversations. Best of all, they are timestamped, and can be printed, should you need to produce them in a court of law.

If face-to-face communication doesn’t work for you and your ex, no problem. In fact, going the email/text route might even reduce conflict, because it provides time to think before responding.

Consistency Across Two Homes

Children need routine.

They need predictability. They need to know what to expect. They need to know what is required of them.

Now, when a child is bouncing back and forth between two homes, this becomes even more important. The more consistency in both homes, the smoother the transition will be for your children.

Begin by aligning on the basics:

Bedtimes and wake-up times
Homework routines and expectations
Limits on screen time
Discipline approaches
House rules

You can approach things differently in each house. However, the overall rules and expectations should be consistent. That will avoid “splitting” by children, and will also provide children with the needed sense of security.

Create a comprehensive parenting plan that addresses the following:

The parenting schedule itself
Holiday and vacation visitation
Allocation of decision-making responsibility
Expectations for communication

The more details you include in your parenting plan, the less conflict you will have in the future.

Putting Your Kids First (Always)

Okay, this one should be obvious… but it isn’t. In fact, it’s the co-parenting technique that trips up most divorced parents.

Putting your kids first means that you need to be able to set your personal issues about your ex-spouse aside. It means that you have to be willing to be flexible about scheduling when the need arises. And it also means that you don’t speak poorly about your ex-spouse in front of your children.

Here’s how it looks in real life:

You encourage your children to have and to express their love and affection for both parents. Your children send pictures. Your children talk to their other parent. They don’t feel guilty about loving you both.

You are respectful towards your ex-spouse. Yes, even when you don’t feel like it. You understand that you have created a new family, and that your children are listening to everything that you say. When you speak negatively about your ex-spouse, your children will hear it and will internalize those negative feelings.

You have a sense of flexibility when the situation calls for it. Kids are kids. Emergencies happen. Changes to schedule sometimes must be made. When you show your children that you are willing to be flexible when it makes sense, you are also showing them that parents can and will work together.

You both show up for important events in the children’s lives, even if it means being uncomfortable. When important events happen, you make the effort to be there, even if you both don’t want to be together. School plays. Sporting events. Graduations. Weddings. It matters to your children to have both of you there.

When to Seek Professional Help

Sometimes co-parenting can be a true uphill battle.

Maybe there is too much conflict. Maybe there’s one parent who just won’t cooperate. Maybe emotions are running too high.

**When that’s the case, it’s time to get outside help. **

Family therapists who specialize in co-parenting situations can provide strategies and tools. Therapy is a place where parents can feel safe and work through conflict, and develop healthy ways of communicating with each other.

Mediators can be useful in helping you to resolve individual disputes, without having to resort to court involvement. Mediators will facilitate discussions in a way that helps parents reach mutually acceptable solutions.

Parent coordinators are court appointed, neutral parties who can help high conflict parents to make certain decisions. Parent coordinators have authority to make certain decisions on their own, should parents be unable to agree.

Don’t wait until you feel like you can’t go on to get help. The sooner you begin to address co-parenting issues, the easier they are to fix.

Bottom Line

Co-parenting after a divorce is a challenge.

It requires a lot of patience, compromise and your willingness to set your personal feelings about your ex-spouse aside, for the sake of your children.

But let’s be real:

Good co-parenting is one of the best gifts that you can give your children. It can provide them with the stability, security and love that they need during this difficult time in their lives. When children know that their parents both still love them, despite the fact that the parents no longer love each other, it gives children the tools to grow up to be happy, healthy adults.

Begin with these techniques: