Sometimes God says No. Another pregnancy. Another heartbreak.

Sometimes, even though we pray and put our faith in God, He says no.

Once again, I’ve had a pregnancy end in loss. The last was in September. Then at Christmas we found out I was expecting again. Hubby and I had decided to try just one more time. At that point, I had miscarried 5 out of those 10 pregnancies.

My kids and I were sick all throughout January and the first part of Feb. At first I thought, aside from being sick, that everything was ok.  But on Feb. 16 I started spotting and cramping and my blood pressure was really high. I went to the ER, they did an ultrasound and discovered there was no fetal heartbeat. Again.

I prayed and prayed for this baby to be ok, but God said no. And although I don’t know why, He does and I have to be ok with that. That is sometimes easier said than done. My faith is still as strong as ever and I put my trust in Him but it is SO hard to not question his answer. So very hard. :0(

My sweet baby made it to around 10 weeks and then passed away, and this past Saturday, at 12 weeks, I had to have a D&C because things were not progressing naturally. That makes 6 times now. 6 times I’ve had to say goodbye to an unborn baby.

I’ve been pregnant 10 times. I never in my life imagined I’d be pregnant that many times.  I certainly never planned to but life takes us in directions we don’t plan sometimes. I have 4 gorgeous children. I am truly blessed. But 6 losses is devastating.And even though the thought of never carrying another child is heartbreaking, I finally have my head and heart in the same place. I was SO sick with this last pregnancy. I haven’t been off the couch since New Year. I just can’t do it any more.

So now what? Now I focus on my health and losing weight, getting my blood pressure under control and my family. My husband and children need me and I see now that I can’t do the things I need and take care of them when I am pregnant. My body can’t handle it.

Anyway, I’m sorry for rambling on. This post probably doesn’t make a bit of sense right now. I just think I needed to write this and get it out there. This is the first step in grieving and healing.

Thank you for being here.